this is how it ends

no money, some friends

this might’ve been the longest year i’ve lived, to be fair i havent lived through that many years, or at least years that i can remember and look back upon but it’s been a few years this year. i remember being so excited about 2025, as much as my nihilistic ass would let me, in the space between december and january, because it was a perfect square and that seemed like something, and i’d had a rather good 2024, i think, i don’t know, my memory hasn’t been very loyal to me lately. there will be times where i’ll scroll down my gallery to find some entirely new thing i’d forgotten, and i scroll through my gallery often, i don’t delete anything, i need the reminders of past times, i need to have the assurance of knowing there was a time lot different than this that yes all the people that aren’t in my life anymore, were in fact a huge part of it once, that it wasn’t always this way, the good and bad both, that i’ve been alive before. but i understand, ill have to forgive my brain for the year ive put it through, or it has put me through? i dunno, i’m trying to make peace with loose ends because i’m tired and it’s just easier this way, for me at least, for others i only hope, cringing through it all.

friends of friends of friends are asking
what I'm doing, what I've done
i am sitting, waiting, looking at the world
i'm trying my best to leave the business up to everyone else

the year’s taken from a lot more than it gave and i’m glad for all of it, even for the things that really hurt now because i’ve been through enough absurd situations to know better than to hold grudges against anything or anyone. maybe this will make some thing in the future nicer or lead to said some thing or maybe it was a dead weight i’d been dragging on, maybe it was a lesson, maybe i needed to inflict some damage to know what i am capable of. maybe i did need the loneliness, i needed it all to hurt to see the delusions i’ve been growing with slowly start to unravel. noone kids about the disillusionment of your 20s hitting you like a train and how nothing will prepare you for it because it’s all of you that’s slipping away. i’ve never felt younger and i’ll have to thank my strange, much older friend for it, we barely speak but every time we do, it’s pretty good.

i knew so little in the old days
still I don't know much
every song is still the same song
every word a stroke of luck

i don’t know what is it with people learning only by getting their hands burnt, never paying any heed to any advice, but it is how we learn anything at all, it will always be why we’ll keep fighting the people we love, it is why we’ll keep living the same story till either we tire of it or the situations do. it’s the only way you’ll find what exactly are you allergic, what combination rather, if watching scott pilgrim is better on x or y or nothing, if you’re really allergic to x, try it 5 more times, yep definitely allergic, the lights in the room look so awesome though, angels flying out of them, falling into your lap, but you’re terribly allergic, stop. if texting an almost stranger with z in your system because of the breakdown you had 16 hours ago is a good idea, nope but also yes. i really do love talking to people, the exact degree, i realised only this year, and the reason, i still only speculate because i won’t disgrace my mind by weaving a narrative so simple, i think is just remembering. someone asking you about your life makes you think and remember and remember and mourn the time you wasted not remembering. all i need is a witness to my life, that is the only way i seem to find my life beautiful or like Something, the only way i can bring myself to document and/or keep track.

‘this reminded me of you’ ‘literally you’, ‘me if you even care’, i’ll never tire of the morsels of life people share and them receiving what i shower upon them ceaselessly. puppies you said you liked, kittens, a certain flower, a weirdly shaped stain on the road you saw on your way, a silly pot in a market, a candle shaped like a glass of tea with a half-dunked parle-g, ‘if you like it so much, why don’t you come here and get it’, why wouldn’t i go to you if i could. this year also fed and fulfilled my love for being a drunk call/text recipient and/or sender. most people i talk to/who talk to me grow so loveable and soft i feel my heart melting, please come over, we’ll build a blanket fort abed would be jealous of, i’ll listen to whatever you have to say, no you really do deserve all the kindness in the world, yes those are the worst jokes in the history of the universe, of course i’ll tease you mercilessly about it tomorrow, you’re a moron for even thinking i’d own up to any of this later, i’m gonna regret this so much later but i mean all of it, i know you mean it love, we always do.

i listen to i’ll not contain you
i grew out and cut my hair again
i said iI’d never have a drink again
ihen had three beers a night for a week or two
got so close up to the door, a flaw in the design
broke a rule and got a talking to

it’s the most wrong a year has felt, the clearest my head’s been in a long while, the most lost and aimless i’ve been in forever and yes this all should’ve stayed in my diary but like i said before, i need a witness and so i put that responsibility on you. dissociation is a bitch but you have to appreciate the effort it puts in in bringing novelty to every mundane thing. everything is an echo, it’s hard to keep track of where the stories bounce back from but either ways the cave is growing more comfortable, the entrance is wider, leave or enter as you wish, stay as you wish, we promise you nothing but shits and giggles and stupid sobs. it’s weird, it keeps getting weird but at least i have my friends, my music and movies and books to keep me tethered to the version of reality i feel the most comfortable in (abed was really onto something with the dreamatorium).

When the day has stopped beginning
And the afternoon arrives
I'll lay around and look up later
And see a difference in the sky
But see the same thing in the dead space
Note that nothing's really changed
I'll still be understanding nothing
But leaning in anyway

i hope you have a lovely new year <3

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(yes this was probably just a farce to get you to listen to this song)

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